intentional_life

ALL RIGHT... Here it is.

in 251 days im getting married.

i do not in any way shape or form expect myself to be a super fit hot sexy thang. however, i would like to lose 30-40 lbs. if this is not possible for me, even 20 lbs would be fine. i have alot of health related factors that making losing weight VERY HARD for me, and then there's my eating disorder history which makes it all so much complicated.

in addition to the struggles i have with weight, i also have other things i want to achieve related to my finances and my career and things like that. Its just alot of expectations and i think i need to figure out whats actually possible for me.

when my grandma passed away a few weeks ago, it really came to my attention that i have two grandparents left and one parent left. these are the three individuals who care about me the most in the world. of those two grandparents one of them is really losing her health. she is really struggling with her health. she's not really available to be the loving grandmother i have known her to be. it makes me incredibly sad to feel like i am losing my parental figures. first in my mom when I was tiny and now in my grandparents. a few years ago i almost lost my dad. it was one of the scariest moments of my life. because i was old enough to understand what it all meant. i think that i might have even saved his life. i just really struggle with having those deep connections. i miss my mom and my miss my grandmother and my other grandfather. these are my ancestors. the people who came before me and made it possible for me to be here right now. we are truly amazing Devine miracles of existence. Its scary to imagine going into a world without parental figures. i know it will happen one day. its just so hard to imagine.

1. HEALTH: I lost 30-40 lbs; continue to do my weekly psychoanalysis, try out OA meetings, create a mini iop set up for me,

i want an overall improvement in my health. i also want to understand deeply that if i lose any weight at all and my body is still not the shape i wish it was, that its okay. and that its not about having a specific shape . its about accepting the shape i got while improving my bloodwork and improving my over all digestion and less bloating.

im going to be using fitness pal to help me track my eating.


other: stretching yoga ect.

2. HUNDY:
- finsish SE certiciation
- sell clutter at home
- gather ideas for making money
- couples therapy to work thru financial struggles
- start couples therapy

3. HOME:
- continue to clean up and declutter and fix up home.
- everything has a home

4. HEART:
- continue to connect with J
- reach out to family
- stay connected to trio, Dbs, wys, KP, Mo,
- time for sisters
- nona y abuelo
- tios

HOLD
- apts w char
- give self facials
- nails
- outfit curating

i am feeling super frustrated about my journey of improvement. and im aware that its coming from a perfectionistic issue im feeling. back on november first identified that im on my year of wellness my year of improvement. and for about a month and a half i was feeling really great.i joined the gym i was feeling great. but a series of events FUCKED ME UP. i got a bladder infection, i am pretty sure i got covid and was sick for a month, my grandmother passed away, i got into a big fight with my partner, i felt overwhelmed, my best friend at work switched jobs leaving me to work on my own.

i wanted november first to be this seamless 365 day journey of shedding weight and getting fit and getting mentally and spriritually PERFECT. gosh even writing it out is RIDICULOUS. I was pretty great about not falling into my perfectionistic tendencies for that first month and half as i navigated my bladder infection and other smaller items but getting SICK made me feel SO BAD. i was feeling so overwhelmed.

analytically speaking i was aware that it actually potentiated so much for me. THE CHAOS ALLOWED FOR ORGANIZATION. i understand that. but when i think about going forward and doing this health journey im feleing stuck on creating a seamless plan. i want a picture perfect journey. i want perfect. god this perfectionism is so god damn annoying cuz i know NOTHING CAN BE SEAMLESS AND PERFECT. THATS BULLLLSHIT.

i know this. i need to work thru this.

yesterday was 2/1 so im three months into my year with 9 months remaining till 11/1 and i have ALOT THAT I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH. ALOT. JESUS CHRIST.

i need to embrace this imperfection and im a little stuck on how.

so im not sure if this is realted to chaos (not string) theory of not but my life is the most chaotically organized its ever been. im in this tornado right now of feelings, events and things that don't make any sense and make all the sense of the world. I feel like a surge of energy is within me. it feels like I am becoming reborn again. oh gosh that sounds like im going through a psychotic break and I am not. im jus tfeeling like life is so hard but my understanding gof the hardnes sof life is changings. its almost like I am able to know on a deep level that my struggles are okay. and that being a human is okay. the challenges are okay. I will be okay. the okayness in the chaos Is there. there is a sense of calm in the storm. in the eye of the hurricane. I am the eye. Eye. I.

December 1 through December 5

okay so i have a viral infection of some kind in my freaking lungs cuz my cough won't quit., my doc said...dont go work out and sleep A LOT. drink all kinds of fluids and take some steriods for the cough.

i dont really want to take steroids so i'm going to do a good ole' fashion stay at home and rest weekend <3. what else can i really do.

so days 31 through 35 will be FULL ON REST DAYS.

monday i was feeling sick all day.i have a cough, very low grade fever and sore throat. tested negative for covid twice so it might just be a flu.

i need to get my flu shot. havent gotten it. jeez.

so now recovering.

Day 30 is tuesday and im starting to feel better. imma hydrate, take vitamins and focus on my productivty journal. i plan on focusing on that journal instead of my SHRMFF DAILY. ill still check in here ongoingly but imma focus on my productivity journal.

allllllll right 11/24/2021 through 11/28/2021 !!!

5 days of thanksgiving and birthday celebrations.

OKAYYY, so i had five days of celebration.

friendsgiving followed by thanksgiving, followed by my actual birthday day, followed by a night out for my birthday and a recovery resting beatuiful sunday.

for my birthday J, my partner, got me a beauitful productivity two month journal. we went and got him one too so we could work on it together. this is SUCH A BIG DEAL FOR US BOTH. we're getting on the same page.

we both got a gym membership (250 each for the entire year) plus our two month journal, we have made a promise to eachother to turn things around.

i feel like this is a major big deal because we have always struggled to get on the same page. he has told me he is committed to this.

i made a two month plan for us from December through January. We are going to heavily focus on our hots, home, health and Hundreds.

WINS

S - analysis, learning that my needs are okay, chiropractor x 2, got hair done, and dentist visit
H - got the house cleaned up and put away 90 % of my closet
R - time w J, gifts for grandparents, texting with trio
F - eating low carb 50 percent of the time
M - we had a budget meeting this week and might have another
M - went to two zumba classes this week

AREAS FOR GROWTH

S - struggled with boundaries with sisters and w Ana
H - struggled to maintain space clean daily
R - havent responded to my uncle or to trio in last few days
F - stress eating
M - less impulse buys and actually sticking to the budget
M - need to stretch more

quality time: 6
gym visits: 6
<100 carb: 30 percent of the time perhaps

Day # 19 of YEAR of IMPERFECT ALIGNMENT FRIDAY - 11/19/2021

it is usually around this time in a reset, or new years resolution that i usually give up. i feel like a failure, i feel like im not perfect and therefore cannot reset until ive spiraled in the abyss of bullshit. and then i have that montage run thru my mind of resetting. that does not work and my biggest biggest win during all of this is that i didnt spiral despite having a literal infection in my body. i wanted to spiral AND I also knew i was going to be ok on some level. I WOKE UP AT MOTHER FUCKING 5AM TODAY.

BIG DAY TODAY!!!
TODAY'S "HAVE TO GET IT DONE " ITEMS
1. GET MANI PEDI AT LUNCH TIME
2. AFTER WORK GO TO CHIRO, DSW, MACYS AND TARGET (lol) THATS ALOT. MIGHT NEED TO RETHINK. ITS FOR RETURNS.
3. HAVE BUDGET MEETING PART 2 W J
4. FINISH CLEANING MY CLOSET
5. CONFIRM HAIR APT FOR TOMORROW AND CLEANING SERVICE APT FOR SUNDAY

ROUTINE
Bedtime: 10p?
Wake up time: 5am on the dot!!
Leave the house time: 718am! made it work on time and actually 10 min early!