The pain of perfectionism

[intentional_life]

I am a perfectionist. I had never identified as one before because NOTHING I do ever comes out perfectly. Its actually LAUGHABLE THAT I DIDNT SEE IT BEFORE. i am a struggling perfectionist. today when i considered coming to write on my dreamwidth account i recalled that i had not posted in a long time and i thought that it was not good enough and so i would need to restart a new account. AND I DID. and i spent two hours thinking of the name i wanted the account to have. And all i really wanted to do was come back on this one. my perfectionism shows up when i feel off. i feel out of control. i feel LESS THAN. and i guess its how im feelings. Im feeling so pained right now. All of it is for reasons that may sound stupid especially in the face of real world things but i guess thats that point right. i dismiss myself for feeling how i feel. and then im left feeling more helpless and more spiral-y. yes thats a word i guess.

so look. what is the problem? i just feel like time is passing and im not reaching my goal. and it hurts me. i want to reach my goals.