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Unraveling
Sep. 2nd, 2021 06:40 pmFor the last week I have been unraveling in a way that is beyond my comprehension.
I had a work dilemma present itself in my life while i was managing a romantic relationship issue as well as a friend thing. Basically life was like here's a bunch of shit for you to manage at once.
Interestingly enough...if I were to rank them in level of importance...the work situation is the one I would have told you a week ago that would least trouble me because "the workplace " isnt a top priority for me. HOWEVER... my psyche had much to say the otherwise.
After the work drama unfolded i experienced heightened anxiety. BIG scary kind of paranoid anxiety. an experience that I have felt a few times but it was even bigger this time. There was something about it all that felt so unfamiliar it scared me. I was so anxious and scared at the same time. I was struggling to find myself in the middle of all of it.
I found myself googling "psychotic selves" in psychoanalytic literature to better understand these self states that I had never really confronted within myself. I could not fathom what was going on with me those days.
Luckily, I am in psychoanalysis and meet with my therapist 3-4 times per week so I was able to really delve into this surreal experience I had. My therapist helped me understand that the paranoia i was experiencing about the work drama was a compensatory strategy to help me "forget" or "not know truly" what role i had played in the work drama. Essentially rendering me unaware or unconscious of how I had participated in this work situation with an aspect of myself that I did not like and did not want to identify as being me.
So even though I claimed to be confronting the work situation for "the good of this person I claimed to want to help", the way i went about it was ... shady (essentially). I had done some gossiping. I had participated in an unauthentic way that was "caught". that my undeveloped adolescent self had "gotten caught" and that my adult self didnt want to know that i have the capacity for doing "bad".
My closest friends think that I had done the right thing but my analyst keeps me rooted in reality. He reminded me that this situation that happened was necessary for my growth. That only by accepting every single part of our self (including the shady parts) that we can become a more whole person. So here i am writing this post about how i fucking unraveled this weekend. I unraveled into a semi psychotic state . Yes, i was never in danger of hurting self or others. I never lost consciousness and never acted on my fear or paranoia but the feelings were real and the fear was there and i had to find a way to ground myself while the feelings took place.
But im better for it. If this is my one life that i get to live. I dont want to live in denial. I dont want to live hiding from myself. My analyst says that its inevitable. That us humans are always trying to "not know" or "hide" from ourselves so we wont be "known" and we can continue to "pretend we are not what we are". But all we can do is keep trying to own our entire lived experience.
I had a work dilemma present itself in my life while i was managing a romantic relationship issue as well as a friend thing. Basically life was like here's a bunch of shit for you to manage at once.
Interestingly enough...if I were to rank them in level of importance...the work situation is the one I would have told you a week ago that would least trouble me because "the workplace " isnt a top priority for me. HOWEVER... my psyche had much to say the otherwise.
After the work drama unfolded i experienced heightened anxiety. BIG scary kind of paranoid anxiety. an experience that I have felt a few times but it was even bigger this time. There was something about it all that felt so unfamiliar it scared me. I was so anxious and scared at the same time. I was struggling to find myself in the middle of all of it.
I found myself googling "psychotic selves" in psychoanalytic literature to better understand these self states that I had never really confronted within myself. I could not fathom what was going on with me those days.
Luckily, I am in psychoanalysis and meet with my therapist 3-4 times per week so I was able to really delve into this surreal experience I had. My therapist helped me understand that the paranoia i was experiencing about the work drama was a compensatory strategy to help me "forget" or "not know truly" what role i had played in the work drama. Essentially rendering me unaware or unconscious of how I had participated in this work situation with an aspect of myself that I did not like and did not want to identify as being me.
So even though I claimed to be confronting the work situation for "the good of this person I claimed to want to help", the way i went about it was ... shady (essentially). I had done some gossiping. I had participated in an unauthentic way that was "caught". that my undeveloped adolescent self had "gotten caught" and that my adult self didnt want to know that i have the capacity for doing "bad".
My closest friends think that I had done the right thing but my analyst keeps me rooted in reality. He reminded me that this situation that happened was necessary for my growth. That only by accepting every single part of our self (including the shady parts) that we can become a more whole person. So here i am writing this post about how i fucking unraveled this weekend. I unraveled into a semi psychotic state . Yes, i was never in danger of hurting self or others. I never lost consciousness and never acted on my fear or paranoia but the feelings were real and the fear was there and i had to find a way to ground myself while the feelings took place.
But im better for it. If this is my one life that i get to live. I dont want to live in denial. I dont want to live hiding from myself. My analyst says that its inevitable. That us humans are always trying to "not know" or "hide" from ourselves so we wont be "known" and we can continue to "pretend we are not what we are". But all we can do is keep trying to own our entire lived experience.
