My Closet Journey

After taking over five hours this weekend to clean and reorganize my entire closet I really came out of it with some deeper understanding of what I had a lot of and what I did not have nearly enough of. I came out of that journey noticing that when it comes to work clothing, pajamas and work out clothes I have more than enough. But what I did notice was that I had almost NO going out clothing. NO outfits for brunch with the friends, going out with my sisters, going on a date night or a random Sunday Funday. I don't have hip fun clothes for fun non-utilitarian reasons. I have work out clothes TO WORK OUT IN. I have work clothes TO DO WORK. I have Pajamas to SLEEP IN. but i have no FUN STUFF. I used to be the queen of fun clothes but in the last two years I gained around 30 pounds or so and i just havent been able to recooperate the love that I have for clothing. i believe that no matter my size I should love my clothing, love my look and whether I gain or lose weight I should be able to enjoy beautiful clothing on my bod. I think that I've struggled to accept where I am in the body that I have. Shame and self loathing has really held me back.

And, this is coming from someone who has been facing the pain. this is coming from someone who has been facing the self loathing that I so badly didn't want to face. I accept that as much as I do accept myself for how I am, I also struggle to accept myself. My journey with my body and my size and my clothing is a long one that I hope to continue to work through in my life, in my therapy and here in my journal. Here.

Deconstructing who I am

I feel like i'm in the process of deconstructing who I am and how i came to be who i am today. I feel as if i'm in this journey of pulling myself apart to fully fully know how each part of me came to be.And as I am pulled apart-limb by limb- its so painful. its so hard to really look at the bloody mess. But its only in looking and the willingness to know whats there and to really see what it is that you can stop being a stranger to yourself. and when we stop being strangers to ourselves, we get to make more sense. we can live with resonance . we get to live with coherence. we get to live an authentically US life.

i am made up of my lived experiences, I am made up of painful traumas, i am made up of my successes and failures and fears and desires. I am made up of the ways in which i survived difficult things. The way i think and the way i get through difficult things is a specific sequence of my parts of self reacting to other parts of myself. And so many of my emotional experiences are just reactions to reactions to reactions and so it begs the question of who am i really, then?