Day 5 of YEAR OF ALIGNMENT

I keep reading these quotes about how six months to one year of working on yourself and changing things about yourself can go a really long way and can change the trajectory of your entire life. wow. Imagine. This is my recap of day 5 of that year.

Day # 5 - 10/08/2021 (in progress)

ROUTINE
Wake up time: 5:50AM
Leave the house time: 7:30am MADE IT TO WORK perfectly ON TIME!! this was the most on time i have been in so long. I am so proud of myself for making this happen. And i even left the house with my hair being tended to a little bit.
My outfit today is in a jewel toned color really complimenting my skin and hair and i look nice for going out with coworkers today.

I am quite exhausted today though. Seriously, a little bit too exhausted. my only other goal for today is to take my make up off and floss after hanging out with coworkers.

During my lunch hour, I went to the chiropractor who did a Psoas acupressure on me that hurt so much but really did help.

SHRMMF

SELF
Mental: took an easy morning for myself, listened to inspirational youtube videos

Gratitude: I feel deep gratitude towards my job today and my mental health benefits through work. I am grateful for having a challenging job that requires me to learn about psychology and keeps me sharp and on point. I am grateful to my partner for working through his struggles as well. I'm proud of us.

Beauty: sunscreen, light make up,

Vitamins: fish oil, vitamin D, vitamin B, Coq10

HOME
My Personal Stuff: my goal is to hang all my clothing today and keep my restroom organized. I dont think im going to be cleaning anything tonight after a night out with friends.

RELATIONSHIPS
J: share my gratitude with J about how I feel about him
Friends: Went out with coworkers after work; make plans with T and J in upcoming days to support them in their pregnancies
Family: reach out to step mom and sisters and maternal grandmother

MONEY/CAREER
Making $: other than going to work today i won't be making any additional money.
Saving $$: Today I transferred $400 into savings because i got paid
Investing $: Today I will be investing $ $1,294.80 into the stock market.

MOVEMENT
Standing: Stood at work with my standing desk from 8am through 1130am.
Stretching: mini hip stretches through the morning, chiropractor helped me stretch during my lunch hour

FOOD
AVOID- SODA, SUGARY TREATS, EXCESS BREAD/PASTA, EXCESS DAIRY
Water
Breaky- eggs, tiny bit of turkey, potato and tomato and coffee
Lunchy- latte and left over rice and chicken from two days ago
Snacky- won't be having snack today. I'm very full from todays lunch and breakfast.
Dinner- going out to dinner with coworkers for happy hour after work today: ended up having vegetables and salmono and tater tots

TOMORROW'S FOCUS
Tomorrow I am visiting my bestie who had her baby and we didn't get to celebrate her birthday last weekend. Im going to focus on that relationship because its a relationship that has been a little bit strained. There's something she did while she was pregnant that really bothered me and i was not able to address it with her because my other pregnant friend asked me not to.

My goal is to wake up at 530 am tomorrow instead of 550am and do the following:
- 15 minute yoga video
- Clear the kitchen counter
- do my dreamwidth-ing

DYING MANY TIMES

i think that yesterday i had a HUGE step in my grieving of my mother.

she used to be a teacher at a saturday school where children are sent to learn spanish.

She was a beautiful dedicated 3rd grade teacher. When she passed away they did a scholarship in her honor where each year a third grader was awarded this scholarship and the whole school year was free for them.

I recently came to wonder if that scholarship was still being distributed since its been an entire 23 years since she passed away and i came to find out that it is no longer being given.

It made me so desperately sad to find this out. logically i understand why its not being given. its been so many years and hardly anyone who even knew her works at the school anymore. BUT...it hurt NONE THE LESS.

i actually called the school secretary to find out and it was someone that i knew from back in the day when i attended the school, which i did not expect. poor woman was SO CAUGHT OFF GAURD by the quesiton of a person asking about this scholarship. then she comes to find out it was the daughter of this woman.

after the awkward conversation ended, i hung up and cried quite a bit. I wasnt sad that they werent giving it but i was sad that her name is being said way less often. It makes me sad that people dont wonder who this woman was and why a scholarship exists for her. It made me so incredibly sad. I'm proud of myself for finding out that it was no longer being given as it would be so easy for me to just "NOT KNOW".

I dont have any therapy this upcoming week which is a big deal for someone who sees her therapist three times per week. He's on vacation which is awesome but i dont get to share this with him. Him and i have been working on my archaic denial about my mother having died. this is some really regressive old trauma i have about how i split my mind when i was a child to deal with the excruciating pain of having lost her. almost as if i got to pretend it didnt happen, which is WHY when i went ahead and called to find out about the scholarship it was me facing the reality of not only her having died but of how her memory is fading in the hearts of people who knew her and how incredibly painful that is. not to mention that this shit really made my own mortality SUPER REAL. it was like wow WE WILL BE FORGOTTEN ONE DAY.

NOWWWW its like... i get that quote people say about how we die TWICE. the day we actually die and the day that the last person who knew us dies as well.

i really hope my mom is proud of me. I'm trying to live a life that is full of integrity, love and joy. i love her so much. i know shes dead but i dont think that its full possible for her to be dead if i'm still alive.