DYING MANY TIMES
Oct. 8th, 2021 03:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
intentional_lifei think that yesterday i had a HUGE step in my grieving of my mother.
she used to be a teacher at a saturday school where children are sent to learn spanish.
She was a beautiful dedicated 3rd grade teacher. When she passed away they did a scholarship in her honor where each year a third grader was awarded this scholarship and the whole school year was free for them.
I recently came to wonder if that scholarship was still being distributed since its been an entire 23 years since she passed away and i came to find out that it is no longer being given.
It made me so desperately sad to find this out. logically i understand why its not being given. its been so many years and hardly anyone who even knew her works at the school anymore. BUT...it hurt NONE THE LESS.
i actually called the school secretary to find out and it was someone that i knew from back in the day when i attended the school, which i did not expect. poor woman was SO CAUGHT OFF GAURD by the quesiton of a person asking about this scholarship. then she comes to find out it was the daughter of this woman.
after the awkward conversation ended, i hung up and cried quite a bit. I wasnt sad that they werent giving it but i was sad that her name is being said way less often. It makes me sad that people dont wonder who this woman was and why a scholarship exists for her. It made me so incredibly sad. I'm proud of myself for finding out that it was no longer being given as it would be so easy for me to just "NOT KNOW".
I dont have any therapy this upcoming week which is a big deal for someone who sees her therapist three times per week. He's on vacation which is awesome but i dont get to share this with him. Him and i have been working on my archaic denial about my mother having died. this is some really regressive old trauma i have about how i split my mind when i was a child to deal with the excruciating pain of having lost her. almost as if i got to pretend it didnt happen, which is WHY when i went ahead and called to find out about the scholarship it was me facing the reality of not only her having died but of how her memory is fading in the hearts of people who knew her and how incredibly painful that is. not to mention that this shit really made my own mortality SUPER REAL. it was like wow WE WILL BE FORGOTTEN ONE DAY.
NOWWWW its like... i get that quote people say about how we die TWICE. the day we actually die and the day that the last person who knew us dies as well.
i really hope my mom is proud of me. I'm trying to live a life that is full of integrity, love and joy. i love her so much. i know shes dead but i dont think that its full possible for her to be dead if i'm still alive.
she used to be a teacher at a saturday school where children are sent to learn spanish.
She was a beautiful dedicated 3rd grade teacher. When she passed away they did a scholarship in her honor where each year a third grader was awarded this scholarship and the whole school year was free for them.
I recently came to wonder if that scholarship was still being distributed since its been an entire 23 years since she passed away and i came to find out that it is no longer being given.
It made me so desperately sad to find this out. logically i understand why its not being given. its been so many years and hardly anyone who even knew her works at the school anymore. BUT...it hurt NONE THE LESS.
i actually called the school secretary to find out and it was someone that i knew from back in the day when i attended the school, which i did not expect. poor woman was SO CAUGHT OFF GAURD by the quesiton of a person asking about this scholarship. then she comes to find out it was the daughter of this woman.
after the awkward conversation ended, i hung up and cried quite a bit. I wasnt sad that they werent giving it but i was sad that her name is being said way less often. It makes me sad that people dont wonder who this woman was and why a scholarship exists for her. It made me so incredibly sad. I'm proud of myself for finding out that it was no longer being given as it would be so easy for me to just "NOT KNOW".
I dont have any therapy this upcoming week which is a big deal for someone who sees her therapist three times per week. He's on vacation which is awesome but i dont get to share this with him. Him and i have been working on my archaic denial about my mother having died. this is some really regressive old trauma i have about how i split my mind when i was a child to deal with the excruciating pain of having lost her. almost as if i got to pretend it didnt happen, which is WHY when i went ahead and called to find out about the scholarship it was me facing the reality of not only her having died but of how her memory is fading in the hearts of people who knew her and how incredibly painful that is. not to mention that this shit really made my own mortality SUPER REAL. it was like wow WE WILL BE FORGOTTEN ONE DAY.
NOWWWW its like... i get that quote people say about how we die TWICE. the day we actually die and the day that the last person who knew us dies as well.
i really hope my mom is proud of me. I'm trying to live a life that is full of integrity, love and joy. i love her so much. i know shes dead but i dont think that its full possible for her to be dead if i'm still alive.
