being real

so im writing this post trying to be real with myself.

ive been so mad at my partner. Ive been so angry and resentful and incapable of facing it fully. but im so upset with him. I feel like ive been living a lie because of how angry i am.

i hate to say it this way but i feel like he's holding me back.

i dont feel like hes holding me back literally but rather...his lack of organization around his dreams, goals and aspirations and his inability to work through his struggles and lack of determination is what makes me feel so angry.

He says he wants to be married but never goes through the steps of saving up for the wedding. I propose budget ideas and he fights me on them. I tell him my disappointment and he sulks and becomes defensive.

I just struggle to understand why he can't just get it together. i know for a fact that he adores me but im fucking exhausted of having to put up with his incomptencies. and heres the thing, ive NEVER EVER said that to him. i never would word it that way . thats mean and a bunch of bullshit. because i have incompetencies too but the thing is that hes not trying hard enough. i have so much god damn trauma and im always working on myself. im always aspiring for more and sometimes i just cant grasp why he doesnt try more.

he's so helpless and i just cant take it. im livid and apathetic all at once.