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Sep. 16th, 2021
Deep Sorrow
Sep. 16th, 2021 10:14 pmI have been going through the deepest sorrow I have ever experienced in my life. A sort of existential angst about my life and life in general. I find myself feeling lifeless as I sort this all out. I find that I want mobility in my life. I dont want to be stuck. I don't want to be lifeless. I want to be out and about and unstuck. But for now, i guess stuck is where I"ll be, My heart feels heavy and I feel heavy. emotionally and physically.
Today i miss my mom with all my heart. And i also think about becoming a mom one day. Today I considered these two vastly different things also seeing how deeply connected they are. Perhaps in the desire to become a mom I can also feel the connection to my mother. I'm not sure. I'm not sure how one stays connected to someone who is no longer there. I thought I knew but I guess I don't really know. I think its actually a choice. a choice im not sure how to make.
I am feeling sorrow that life is so fleeting. I am in sorrow about how life goes at a speed that I have no say about. My mom passed away when I was little. A long time ago. Im actually close to the age that my mom was when she died. Recently it dawned on me... that my mom is really really gone. Like really really gone. Dead. It can seem odd that I would say that because she's been gone for over two decades but in my heart and in my grief its still very much alive. The pain of losing her is something that has shaped me and the pain of losing her is always with me and it is always present in my life. I lost the person to whom I was their truest love. My mom adored me. And there isnt a day that I dont wish she was still with me.
Today i miss my mom with all my heart. And i also think about becoming a mom one day. Today I considered these two vastly different things also seeing how deeply connected they are. Perhaps in the desire to become a mom I can also feel the connection to my mother. I'm not sure. I'm not sure how one stays connected to someone who is no longer there. I thought I knew but I guess I don't really know. I think its actually a choice. a choice im not sure how to make.
I am feeling sorrow that life is so fleeting. I am in sorrow about how life goes at a speed that I have no say about. My mom passed away when I was little. A long time ago. Im actually close to the age that my mom was when she died. Recently it dawned on me... that my mom is really really gone. Like really really gone. Dead. It can seem odd that I would say that because she's been gone for over two decades but in my heart and in my grief its still very much alive. The pain of losing her is something that has shaped me and the pain of losing her is always with me and it is always present in my life. I lost the person to whom I was their truest love. My mom adored me. And there isnt a day that I dont wish she was still with me.