Running Towards
Aug. 20th, 2021 09:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
intentional_lifeI'm sitting there seething. I am mad at the entire world and there's nothing anyone can do about it. No matter how many well-intentioned people silver-line my situation, I'm pissed and I'm sitting in the glory of how indignant I feel. I don't want my anger to be soothed. I want it to be fueled and as I'm sitting with this sentiment, the image comes in like a lightening bolt. RUN! An image of me running...
As someone who struggles with being physically active (emotional blocks up the wazoo for this one), the image shocked me. RUN? what do i do with that? I have not been even remotely physically active since the pandemic started. So...I ignored it.
The next day... the image of me running came to mind again...but more vivid, with more detail...I could even feel my shoes on the concrete and see the bright blue color of my sneakers and I actually was craving what I was imagining and without even thinking... I walk to my closet, put my shoes on and GO.
The second I started running, my knees and foot arches and entire body was screaming "NOOOO" but the image and the impulse to GO was there so I engaged in a clunky process of listening to both my mind and body. Internally I was thinking 'How can I listen to this call to run and also not hurt myself in the process?' So I ran for about 15 minutes. It was slow and painful while also feeling good. I have never ever ever called physical activity "good". I've never associated movement with feeling good. This was so different. So different it could make me cry.
My analyst asked me the next day. "Were you running away from something or running towards it?" Before he could finish his preface of "There's no right answer here. Its just whatever comes to mind...." I exclaimed "definitely running TOWARDS".
As someone who struggles with being physically active (emotional blocks up the wazoo for this one), the image shocked me. RUN? what do i do with that? I have not been even remotely physically active since the pandemic started. So...I ignored it.
The next day... the image of me running came to mind again...but more vivid, with more detail...I could even feel my shoes on the concrete and see the bright blue color of my sneakers and I actually was craving what I was imagining and without even thinking... I walk to my closet, put my shoes on and GO.
The second I started running, my knees and foot arches and entire body was screaming "NOOOO" but the image and the impulse to GO was there so I engaged in a clunky process of listening to both my mind and body. Internally I was thinking 'How can I listen to this call to run and also not hurt myself in the process?' So I ran for about 15 minutes. It was slow and painful while also feeling good. I have never ever ever called physical activity "good". I've never associated movement with feeling good. This was so different. So different it could make me cry.
My analyst asked me the next day. "Were you running away from something or running towards it?" Before he could finish his preface of "There's no right answer here. Its just whatever comes to mind...." I exclaimed "definitely running TOWARDS".
